the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
