Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
