i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Randomize
