are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
