Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
