sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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