your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
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