Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
