I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
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you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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