Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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