fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize