she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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