She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
