I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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