i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Randomize
