dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
