my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
