literally had 100 drinks last night.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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