fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
