It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
