i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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