Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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