Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
