I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
