capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
