I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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