Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
