I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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