My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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