my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
