He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
