All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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