nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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