I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
