Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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