You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Do vagina's smell?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
