At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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