Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
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