Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
