I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
