Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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