ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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