Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
