u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
