My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I supernannyed him into submission
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
