There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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