Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
