from now on my penis is your penis
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
