Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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