i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
