I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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