Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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