Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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