he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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