I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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